going to hell

My last call was particularly difficult. I know I've semi discussed ethics in previous posts but I honestly didn't think it would be such a huge part of my life as a resident. I am quickly learning that this isn't the case.

Around 130am I got a page about a pt on the floor who was not doing well. He was a 90 year old man who has recently been in and out of the hospital for pneumonia. He was actually getting better when that evening he aspirated an entire bottle of ensure. He then started breathing really fast (tachypnea) and required more and more oxygen (hypoxic)and started running a fever. So we transferred him up to the ICU and started to get ready to intubate.

But then we all paused.

He was a full code. He wanted CPR, intubation, cardiac life saving drugs.

And yet we paused. He was 90 years old. The likelihood he will be able to come of the ventilator is small. We tried to explain that to him and he responded with "I dont want to talk about that right now. I dont know what to do." Thats when everything changed.

To go up the chain of command in terms of power of attorney (POA) it usually starts with the patients spouse (but only if they are straight---dont even get me started with that), then their kids, then their parents/family, and then maybe friends? It all gets muddled.

So we called his son because that was the only number we had in the books. He comes into the hospital and we have a 2 hour conversation about to intubate or not to intubate. Meanwhile Mr. H's respiratory rate is slowly declining. After this discussion we realize its his wife who has the medical POA. So then we call her, who says to do everything.

So we set up the intubation again. And I start tearing up. If this man was 20 years or even 50 years old I wouldn't think twice. But with all his other diseases there is a very high chance he will not survive this. I am about to intubate someone who probably will never come of the vent. I am supposed to be doing this to save people. I am exhausted because it is now 4 am. So I start tearing up but try to hide it by pretending I am excited to "do a procedure".

When my pulmonary fellow comes in that morning I start with "I may be going to hell because of this one....."

this is what i've come to....

This when I feel like the singleness is just pouring out of me.....

I recently got a message from one of my pediatric attendings--one who I am fairly close with socially--asking me if I was interested in going on a blind date with a friend of a friend.

That was all it said. So of course my next question is "who is this guy? any more details??"

The response made it all a bit more embarrassing. Apparently another peds attending that I worked with last month "loved" me and wants to set me up with his nephew so he asked around the attendings to find out if I was single.

My attendings are working harder on my social life than I am.

ouch.