I know I have said this before, but I loved my trip to Nepal. It was absolutely amazing and I would never say it wasn't worth it.
It may have not been worth it.
Today I spent several hours at my hospital being reminded of washing my hands after every patient (even after just entering the room), who the lawyers are to call when I get in a bind, and the number for the pharmacists for when I have no idea what the dosage is.
Then we got our ppd skin test. I had an inclining (ok I thought it was definitely going to happen) that I might sero-convert. This occurs when you are in contact with a patient of TB. You can either sero-convert and not get the disease, or you get the disease and sero-convert. It depends on the length of contact with the patient, the health status of the person who is exposed, the type of TB the patient had.
I had contact in Nepal almost everyday.
So this evening, while I baked cup cakes for my birthday tomorrow, I watched as the ppd test slowly enlarged over time. (dang it!!)
The next steps entail: a chest xray to prove I do not actually have active TB currently and then 9months of Isoniazid (INH) therapy. This drug does not come without heavy side effects. It can cause serious liver damage; especially if you drink while taking it.
What does that mean for me? I will be sober for a solid 9 months and I wont even get a baby out of it.
Thank you Nepal.
(I'd go back in a heartbeat!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
birthday
A year ago I spent my birthday in one of my favorite vacation spots in the US: Lake Tahoe. I was surrounded by a group of fabulous ladies and it was possibly the best birthday of my life. I ran an amazing 10 mile trail race (although I got lost and added an extra mile to it) two days before my birthday. I went kayaking. We laid out on the lake shore. AMAZING is all I can really say.
This year, I turn 27 and I have to say the birthday will be completely opposite of last. My birthday marks the first day of residency (well, for most programs) and thus I will spend 12 hours of it in the hospital (doing more orientation) and I will attempt to round up ANYONE who would be willing to grab a beer. And although it won't be a bad night--I love birthdays and I dont believe they could ever truly be "bad"--it will be different. Instead of being surrounded by people I know, for the majority I will be surrounded by people I am desperately trying to get to know.
I am to have a birthday party filled with those I met about a week ago.
So I guess this goes back to a previous post---I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!
This year, I turn 27 and I have to say the birthday will be completely opposite of last. My birthday marks the first day of residency (well, for most programs) and thus I will spend 12 hours of it in the hospital (doing more orientation) and I will attempt to round up ANYONE who would be willing to grab a beer. And although it won't be a bad night--I love birthdays and I dont believe they could ever truly be "bad"--it will be different. Instead of being surrounded by people I know, for the majority I will be surrounded by people I am desperately trying to get to know.
I am to have a birthday party filled with those I met about a week ago.
So I guess this goes back to a previous post---I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Pop Up Thoughts
Over the past two weeks and for the next couple of weeks, I have been and will be certified in several life saving courses. They include Basic Life Support (BLS) twice, Advanced Cardiac Life Support (ACLS), Pediatric Advanced Life Support (PALS), Neonatal Resuscitation Program (NRP), Advanced Pediatric Life Support (APLS--this is basically the same as PALS), and Advanced Trauma Life Support (ATLS).
By the second course it all starts to sound very similar. ABC--Airway, breathing and circulation, then do other stuff. That other stuff varies based on age and what the monitor says.
One of the "exciting" things in all of these courses is the idea of getting to do some procedures that I've wanted to get my hands on for awhile now. Putting in advanced lines, and intubating a patient. I know this will sound a bit off color, but I've decided that the human vocal chords really look like a very small vagina. I know I know, its bizarre. But here's a picture
And once this idea got into my mind I couldn't stop thinking about it each time I intubated. And now I think this might just be what I think of each time I intubate in the future. And maybe its not a bad thing because codes are a bit hectic, so to have a moment of lightness could be actually helpful.....
So if you see a flash of a grin while I intubate it may because this pop up thought has appeared. Or it may be because I still cannot believe I am intubating someone; that I have actually graduated from medical school and in residency.
By the second course it all starts to sound very similar. ABC--Airway, breathing and circulation, then do other stuff. That other stuff varies based on age and what the monitor says.
One of the "exciting" things in all of these courses is the idea of getting to do some procedures that I've wanted to get my hands on for awhile now. Putting in advanced lines, and intubating a patient. I know this will sound a bit off color, but I've decided that the human vocal chords really look like a very small vagina. I know I know, its bizarre. But here's a picture
And once this idea got into my mind I couldn't stop thinking about it each time I intubated. And now I think this might just be what I think of each time I intubate in the future. And maybe its not a bad thing because codes are a bit hectic, so to have a moment of lightness could be actually helpful.....
So if you see a flash of a grin while I intubate it may because this pop up thought has appeared. Or it may be because I still cannot believe I am intubating someone; that I have actually graduated from medical school and in residency.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
cambio
As things change rapidly around me, and we are warped closer to the start of residency, there is a large melancholy feeling about everyone "moving on."
Most of my closest friends have left the state to pursue amazing residencies elsewhere. And while I am so excited and proud of them, I am also sad when I realize many of them I may not see again. When will I have time to travel in residency? When will they? And of course I will make new friends, as will they. But I started this medical journey with them, and it would be nice to continue it and complete it together.
So while my own excitedness for my residency start date grows, so does emptiness of missing my friends, my classmates, my colleagues. I love you guys!!
Most of my closest friends have left the state to pursue amazing residencies elsewhere. And while I am so excited and proud of them, I am also sad when I realize many of them I may not see again. When will I have time to travel in residency? When will they? And of course I will make new friends, as will they. But I started this medical journey with them, and it would be nice to continue it and complete it together.
So while my own excitedness for my residency start date grows, so does emptiness of missing my friends, my classmates, my colleagues. I love you guys!!
Sunday, May 17, 2009
MD!
Well it is official---I am now an MD!! Patients beware--especially starting July 1st--I would suggest you visit a non-teaching hospital, at least for the month of July. But then please come all you want, I gotta learn somehow! :)
Graduation weekend was a lot of fun, but it seemed a bit anti-climatic at the same time. I've been trying to remind myself that I am actually done with medical school. Although I believe we learn throughout life, I am no longer an actual "student" anymore. I have spent 20 years of my life as a student. Weird.
The house drama continues---I think we might actually close next week!---but I am (trying to be) kinda glad---being an MD and house owner all in the same week is a bit overwhelming!
So do I change the name of the blog and just keep on telling my tale? Or do I just put this to rest (already!)?? hmmmm....
Graduation weekend was a lot of fun, but it seemed a bit anti-climatic at the same time. I've been trying to remind myself that I am actually done with medical school. Although I believe we learn throughout life, I am no longer an actual "student" anymore. I have spent 20 years of my life as a student. Weird.
The house drama continues---I think we might actually close next week!---but I am (trying to be) kinda glad---being an MD and house owner all in the same week is a bit overwhelming!
So do I change the name of the blog and just keep on telling my tale? Or do I just put this to rest (already!)?? hmmmm....
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Sadness
Its been a pretty awful week. I am sure some will be upset with this blog, but I have to write it. I guess this makes me selfish in some way, but that is how it goes at times.
We, as a class, were informed that one of our classmates a week from graduation committed suicide. Although we hadn't spoken in a little over 2 years, I knew her well.
Our first year of medical school we became study partners. Unlike me, she was a true genius. Her photographic memory helped with her with graduating high school and college in 6 years total. It made studying really difficult since I was super slow compared to her. But we still made it as fun as possible.
As I got to know her, she began to tell me how hard life really was for her. She was extremely depressed---everyday. She once described it as being unable to hear the birds sing, or kids laugh. She was amazing and could hide it with her wonderful smile when she needed to. But I was deeply worried. Eventually I went to our school counselors about my fears, and was reassured that she was receiving treatment--both therapy and medications. Unfortunately it was these medications she used for her first attempt.
It was the day after spring break. I was pretty sick and took some NyQuil to go to sleep. She called me around 945 pm. NyQuil had done its job--I didn't even hear the phone ring. She didnt come to school the next day. I called her about three times in between classes throughout the day. I got a phone call from the police department at 5pm that evening. She was picked up for a DUI and needed a ride home. I was shocked--she didn't even drink. I went down there and she was a mess--I was told she took her prescription meds and she should not be operating a vehicle. I got her in the car and she confessed she took all the meds at once. I immediately took her to the ED, called her psychiatrist at home, and our closest friends. They met me at the hospital. While she was evaluated, we lied to her and got her parents phone number to tell them what had happened. I am pretty sure that she figured that one out, but she never let on if she was upset. She was admitted to the psych ward for a few days. During that time she blamed me for not answering the phone that night. She wouldn't have taken the pills, if I had just answered. The blame even came from her parents. It was so difficult to have a friend try to end her life, but to get the blame for it was unbearable. I started seeing a psychiatrist at that time.
She called me again at night after she was released. I freaked out. She called just to say hello. No big deal. But I stopped sleeping. I found myself checking my phone throughout the night. I would wander my apartment late at night. I was in a constant worry about how to keep her alive. I was not doing well.
At the time I did what I needed to. I was trying to save myself. I eventually had to sit her down and tell her that if she ever called me late at night again, I would just send a police officer to her apartment because I was so worried she would hurt herself. She laughed at me. But I was very serious. When the blame continued after that conversation, I left the friendship.
Over the next couple of years I worried about how she was doing. But the space between us was too great---I had created a canyon to protect myself and left her (with psychiatry help) alone.
Now that she is dead the guilt has hit again. I know that this is not in any way my fault. But what I feel is completely different--I feel that blaming me makes perfect sense. My feelings and my knowledge are in disagreement. I am devastated by the circumstances. It is entirely possible that if we had remained friends she still would have died--that is not what I feel guilty about. I feel guilty about leaving a friend when I knew that she was not okay. That she was not, by any means, stable. And when I left I was/felt relieved. How sick am I? Would I do it this way again? How angry did I make her then? Before she died?
How do I say I am sorry?
We, as a class, were informed that one of our classmates a week from graduation committed suicide. Although we hadn't spoken in a little over 2 years, I knew her well.
Our first year of medical school we became study partners. Unlike me, she was a true genius. Her photographic memory helped with her with graduating high school and college in 6 years total. It made studying really difficult since I was super slow compared to her. But we still made it as fun as possible.
As I got to know her, she began to tell me how hard life really was for her. She was extremely depressed---everyday. She once described it as being unable to hear the birds sing, or kids laugh. She was amazing and could hide it with her wonderful smile when she needed to. But I was deeply worried. Eventually I went to our school counselors about my fears, and was reassured that she was receiving treatment--both therapy and medications. Unfortunately it was these medications she used for her first attempt.
It was the day after spring break. I was pretty sick and took some NyQuil to go to sleep. She called me around 945 pm. NyQuil had done its job--I didn't even hear the phone ring. She didnt come to school the next day. I called her about three times in between classes throughout the day. I got a phone call from the police department at 5pm that evening. She was picked up for a DUI and needed a ride home. I was shocked--she didn't even drink. I went down there and she was a mess--I was told she took her prescription meds and she should not be operating a vehicle. I got her in the car and she confessed she took all the meds at once. I immediately took her to the ED, called her psychiatrist at home, and our closest friends. They met me at the hospital. While she was evaluated, we lied to her and got her parents phone number to tell them what had happened. I am pretty sure that she figured that one out, but she never let on if she was upset. She was admitted to the psych ward for a few days. During that time she blamed me for not answering the phone that night. She wouldn't have taken the pills, if I had just answered. The blame even came from her parents. It was so difficult to have a friend try to end her life, but to get the blame for it was unbearable. I started seeing a psychiatrist at that time.
She called me again at night after she was released. I freaked out. She called just to say hello. No big deal. But I stopped sleeping. I found myself checking my phone throughout the night. I would wander my apartment late at night. I was in a constant worry about how to keep her alive. I was not doing well.
At the time I did what I needed to. I was trying to save myself. I eventually had to sit her down and tell her that if she ever called me late at night again, I would just send a police officer to her apartment because I was so worried she would hurt herself. She laughed at me. But I was very serious. When the blame continued after that conversation, I left the friendship.
Over the next couple of years I worried about how she was doing. But the space between us was too great---I had created a canyon to protect myself and left her (with psychiatry help) alone.
Now that she is dead the guilt has hit again. I know that this is not in any way my fault. But what I feel is completely different--I feel that blaming me makes perfect sense. My feelings and my knowledge are in disagreement. I am devastated by the circumstances. It is entirely possible that if we had remained friends she still would have died--that is not what I feel guilty about. I feel guilty about leaving a friend when I knew that she was not okay. That she was not, by any means, stable. And when I left I was/felt relieved. How sick am I? Would I do it this way again? How angry did I make her then? Before she died?
How do I say I am sorry?
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Considerations
I like to travel. Roadtrip, long flight, bus--no problem. I like getting all my things situated into the car, plane, bus and then listening to music, reading, sleeping. Just enjoying the ride.
I do not like airports. Its a holding situation for me. I can't really get situated yet because I'm not going anywhere, and as soon as I try to get comfortable, they're gonna call my seat number to board and I'll have to gather everything up. So I sit in this semi-anxious situation, just waiting for them to call me so I can really get comfortable and get a move on to where ever I am going.
I have the same feelings towards buying a house. The inspection process is just like me sitting in the airport. I am so ready to get moved in, get situated, put my towels in the linen closet. But that readiness/anxious feeling may mean that I am over looking serious issues that are going on with the road ahead.
I found out today that the house may need a new roof. The pipes are pretty old as well. The two things I really didn't want to deal with when buying a house. We're talking a huge cost at some point. Or maybe not.
So do I just jump in with the first classers even though I know I will be pushed into economy and possibly out of the plane just because I wanna get on the road so badly? Or should I really stand by, and see if another house will come my way.....
I do not like airports. Its a holding situation for me. I can't really get situated yet because I'm not going anywhere, and as soon as I try to get comfortable, they're gonna call my seat number to board and I'll have to gather everything up. So I sit in this semi-anxious situation, just waiting for them to call me so I can really get comfortable and get a move on to where ever I am going.
I have the same feelings towards buying a house. The inspection process is just like me sitting in the airport. I am so ready to get moved in, get situated, put my towels in the linen closet. But that readiness/anxious feeling may mean that I am over looking serious issues that are going on with the road ahead.
I found out today that the house may need a new roof. The pipes are pretty old as well. The two things I really didn't want to deal with when buying a house. We're talking a huge cost at some point. Or maybe not.
So do I just jump in with the first classers even though I know I will be pushed into economy and possibly out of the plane just because I wanna get on the road so badly? Or should I really stand by, and see if another house will come my way.....
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Growing Up
When you're ready to purchase your first house people have a lot of advice on how to go about it. Truthfully, I've appreciated all of it, because I honestly have no idea what I'm doing. I have a fabulous realtor and, still, no clue on what I'm doing.
The first offer I made on a house was an embarrassing outcome. The way it works is you make up some price you are willing to pay for the property. This is generally less than the asking price. Then they can accept, reject or counter. So I got countered, but it was no where near what I had hoped to pay. So I increased my offer and re-countered. And then it was the big fat REJECTION!
Within 1 day of being rejected, I put another offer on a different house.
Its hard getting rejected when you're used to doing pretty well. I dont want to sound arrogant, but I've worked hard and you begin to feel a bit invincible (until residency starts) once you are matched. This has definitely brought me down.
One part of advice that has been absolutely impossible for me to follow is "do not get attached to the house." The only reason I can come up with is its not really yours til about a month into the process and therefore it can be taken away at ANY moment. I am about to spend a LOT of money (at least in my book) on something---I better well like it, be excited about it, and want it----how the hell do I stay aloof about it?? (maybe some males can respond to this.. ok ok...that was just mean)
So today I await for the counter on the second offer. I have been waiting for 4 days. Literally sitting on my couch. Waiting.
This has been one of the hardest weeks of my life.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
More Nepal
My last week of living in Nepal, I sort of had a freak out that I would forget what it was like there, what I felt, what I saw, so I wrote several Nepali things down, of which I will share!
*It is always tea time. And it is the best tea in my life---especially when its super cold and there isn't any power to turn on a heater. Oh wait! There aren't heaters either.
* Lunch is served at 10:30 am, but that is because all Nepali's wake up at 5am. (gotta milk the goat, go to the temple and pray, sweep the floors) Dinner is not until 8 or 9---but there usually is a supper or snack in between there somewhere.
*Rice is eaten at EVERY meal
*If a car honks at you it either means "I'm coming!!!" or "Move over--I'm coming!!!" so its best just to move over.
*Nepali men tell the doctor when its their wife who has the complaint---even if it is vaginal discharge. If the husband does not know a particular answer to a question, he'll just make it up. Its very difficult to kick him out, but it is a must.
*All Nepali music sounds the same---the exact same---I absolutely LOVE it. My mom, on the other hand, hates it.
*The large trucks that transport garbage are decorated nicely. They have green or gold tassel, xmas lights on at night, crazy horns that are probably some sort of Nepali theme song. At least it has become that way to me. Move over--I'm coming!!
* When the power comes on at night--and a light turns on---all people touch their head and then their chest and repeat---its a thank you to god for the power. If you are in a bar when this occurs it is a UNIFYING to see---I have been known to participate as well---it has become a reflex. Because the days are hard, and the evenings are long without power---everyone must be grateful at some point for something.
*I LOVE IT HERE. I told Harka that I would love to be an elephant trainer. Because, lets me honest, I was born to ride. Harka said he would teach me Nepali. I'd just have to pick up elephant poop (no problem) and climb trees to get the food (problem). If I ever come back--and I hope I do---I will definitely visit that man.
(this written earlier): In 5 days I find out where my life will be for either 5 years or 3 years and for the first I am not consumed with what that will be or where else people might go or about feeling alone/single/unwanted---I feel free.
After being asked a million times if I was married, and/or how long it will be before that occurs---I am happy to announce I am single! I made my rank list based on what I wanted! And I can go to Nepal for 7 weeks and I don't worry about some silly boy ruining my time!
What a trip
Saturday, April 25, 2009
hello again
Its been several months since my last entry. My final time spent in Nepal was amazing--I have grown to completely love the insanity of that country. And I cannot wait to go back.
I came back to US craziness--the Match day. Lets just say I am very happy (exstatic!) where I matched and I, still to this day, cannot believe it.
I then did a quick turn around and headed to Honduras where I was in a friends wedding---it was an amazing trip and wedding.
Now I am in limbo land---I have not yet graduated, but I am not on any rotations. I guess this is where 4th year is supposed to be amazing, but I have to say its not my favorite time this year. Firstly, I dont like to be bored, and when deadlines are like 3 weeks away, its hard to motivate to get things done. So I am in this sorta bored but have lots to do situation. Secondly, I am attempting to purchase my first home. This is harder than it sounds. And I think it sounds awful. It has been a super hectic week in this department. And still the search continues. The good news is the banks are crazy enough to think I am a good lender with student loans up to my neck already----suckers!!! I fooled them! :)
I wrote down several Nepal stories/ways of life while I was gone, ready to share with who ever happens to read this. Those are to come this week while I continue to wrap up my med school career.
I came back to US craziness--the Match day. Lets just say I am very happy (exstatic!) where I matched and I, still to this day, cannot believe it.
I then did a quick turn around and headed to Honduras where I was in a friends wedding---it was an amazing trip and wedding.
Now I am in limbo land---I have not yet graduated, but I am not on any rotations. I guess this is where 4th year is supposed to be amazing, but I have to say its not my favorite time this year. Firstly, I dont like to be bored, and when deadlines are like 3 weeks away, its hard to motivate to get things done. So I am in this sorta bored but have lots to do situation. Secondly, I am attempting to purchase my first home. This is harder than it sounds. And I think it sounds awful. It has been a super hectic week in this department. And still the search continues. The good news is the banks are crazy enough to think I am a good lender with student loans up to my neck already----suckers!!! I fooled them! :)
I wrote down several Nepal stories/ways of life while I was gone, ready to share with who ever happens to read this. Those are to come this week while I continue to wrap up my med school career.
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