tying up the PICU

I finished my rotation and at PICU--- I know I didn't report much on it, ok like nothing really on it, so I am gonna sum it up here!

It was intense. And as a close peds mentor told me---you have to be deranged to like it.
Call me deranged!

Because I liked it enough that I actually applied to a pediatric program. Who woulda thought?!?! I was able to cardiovert a stable arrhythmia twice, I did my first LP on a kid, and I saw more central lines placed that I believe I could now do one on my own. I took care of a ventilated congenital cardiac kiddo---balancing lasix and fluids carefully. I took care of a very sad head bleed teenager---she was in the bed of the truck when it rolled over. I managed a very dehydrated kiddo (sodium=170!) and normalized her sodium carefully. All in all--I learned a ton but I also experienced awful things.

My second to last day we had 3 children die. It was probably one of the worst days of my medical school career. (I had a hanging death of a college student while on trauma which now is in second place) The first death occurred around 9am: it was a previously healthy 6 year old who had a T&A (tonsil and adenoid removal) the previous day. At 4am, mom gave him hydrocodone and by 8am he was blue and not breathing. We coded him for 90 minutes. And just before we were about to call it, someone found a pulse. So we put him on a epinephrine drip to allow mom & dad to say goodbye. It was so sad. By the time it was all settled it was around noon. I grabbed a quick lunch and then was told there was a 2 month old boy coming in coding. He was sleeping on the couch with dad and dad woke up and he wasn't breathing. We coded him for 60 minutes, but he did not make it. The final death was a cardiac kid who went to surgery. I came up from the ED after the 2 month old didn't make it to find out that the cardiac kid died while in surgery.

I pretty much cried all day. But it got me thinking which is "better"---having a sudden situation, where your child passed away suddenly and out of the blue, or having a chronically sick child and them passing away in a high risk situation---aka surgery---but a situation that you believe will save their life. I am not sure which one "wins."