telling it like it is

So this week was my first week of letting myself say, "I'm going into surgery."(yes I have issues) And I am not going to lie---there was actually a wave of relief when I said it out loud. I was always an indecisive child, but when I would finally make a decision, I'd get a sudden rush of just feeling right in the world. And I would know that I made a good choice. Saying it out loud, well, was kind of like that.

Over the next couple of days I let the surgery idea sit. I wanted to get to the bottom of why I can't commit to it. And I now know why I hide from surgery. Here's the brutal truth.

1. I am scared of the hours. I'll be honest, I am a morning person. Most of my friends find it very annoying how much of a morning person I am. But I also like my wind down time at home, maybe with friends, maybe alone. So I while I'm not scared of the mornings, I wont make it without my personal time. Plus I dont want to be alone for the rest of my life. What kind of husband and/or kids could put up those hours?

2. The idea of associating with surgeons with the rest of my life is unsettling. Surgeons don't always treat other people nicely (understatement of the year) and I dont want feel like I need to defend them because I am one. I know there's an awful story for every type of doctor out there, but surgeons seem to have a lot of them.

3. I am afraid surgery life will make me become angry and mean. This is a continuation from #2. But its true. I worry about getting hard. I am usually a pretty bubbly person. I dont want to lose that.

4. My dog will hate me. (as will my parents, sister and brothers) Being on call every 4, 5 or 6 nights means my dog will have to chill at home alone a lot. I would definitely feel guilty about that one.

I know I am supposed to make this decision for myself. Its supposed to be what I like to do. But all these other things start messing with my head and then I sorta loose sight of what I want. My good friend, C, reminded me of the first C-section that I scrubbed into. I had completed surgery 6 weeks prior. As soon as I scrubbed in and stepped up to that table, I got a rush of excitement and then a sudden peace like I was supposed to be there. I felt amazing. Lately, going through medicine, I had forgotten all that. Thank goodness C reminded me.