comfortably confused

I know there has been a real lack in my blogging lately. What can I say? I am not sure if its been the change of weather, my current living situation, or just finally being exhausted, but things have been "down" for me.

When I start thinking deep about my life--or rather what I should do with my life---it can also be a real downer. A never-ending theme in my blogs is that I went into medicine knowing exactly what I was going to do---Emergency Pediatrics---and ever since starting 3rd year, my life or the idea of what my life will entail, has been thrown upside down.

So was no surprise to me that psych and neuro were not my favorite. I am good at talking and listening to people, but dealing with schizophrenics and bipolar people is not something I would sign up for on a daily basis.

I ended up really liking the OR. I was ok with waking up early and going to work. I didn't mind scrubbing in the last case added on the end of the day. Doing peds surgery was awesome--kids heal so quickly and feel so much better after their operation. Trauma was exciting---its a time in a person's life where they really need help and where you can actually make a difference. In general surgery, people had a problem and you fixed it. Done and done. But a part of me is terrified of surgery. It is something I am interested in, but scared shitless of that responsibility. And even though the residency is the same in years as Peds ER, it seems so much worse.

And now to add another. OB. I thoroughly enjoyed delivering babies. I started OB not excited, sorta disgusted, and not happy. Last night was my last night on call and I almost cried when I realized I may never deliver another kiddo (my exhaustion can play with my moods....). The residents I worked with really cared about their patients. They were excited about delivering babies, doing surgeries, etc. It was a great environment to be in. Can I cut out half the population by only working with women and stop dealing with kids? I dont know.

I dont know. I think I realized last night that it is possible I will be one of those people who loves everything they do, so maybe none of this will really matter. I am confused. And while some days I am comfortable with it, others I have a steady rise in panic where my stomach ends up in my chest. I feel this way until I remember to breathe and try to enjoy the fact that the world is still new and open to me and I can pick anywhere to go.